300 Hot Takes

Shorts are fine until it snows.

Nobody owns a spot on the couch. If you get up, you lose it.

Saving a seat with a jacket holds it for ten minutes. After that it's anybody's seat.

Fill up at half a tank. Waiting for the light to come on is gambling.

Dogs don't need sweaters. They're already wearing one.

A tornado is scarier than a hurricane. A hurricane at least tells you it's coming.

A blackout is one of the best nights of the year.

Raccoons are the best animal in North America. They have hands and no shame.

Your forties beat your twenties at everything except knees.

Rinsing plates before they go in the dishwasher is washing them twice.

Returning someone's dish empty is rude. It goes back with something in it.

Microwaved coffee is just as good. Nobody can taste the difference.

Salt your food before you taste it. You know what you like.

Splitting one dessert four ways is worse than ordering no dessert.

If you ask the waiter what's good, you have to order what they say.

The person at the grill gets no advice. Stand back or take the tongs.

Setting your clock five minutes fast is lying to yourself, and it doesn't even work.

A bath towel is good for a week. Washing it after every shower wastes water.

Top sheets are pointless. A duvet cover does the job.

Singing Happy Birthday at a restaurant is something you do to a person, not for them.

If you leave the line to grab something, you've left the line.

The divider on the grocery belt is the next person's job, not mine.

If the price is on the sticker at a garage sale, you pay the sticker. Haggling over a dollar is cheap.

Raking leaves is a waste of a Saturday. Let them rot where they fall.

Slow zombies are scarier than fast ones. Fast ones at least get it over with.

In a horror movie, splitting up is the smart move. At least one of you gets away.

Being stranded on a deserted island alone beats being stranded with your best friend.

The Grinch had a fair noise complaint.

A funeral where nobody laughs didn't go well.

A public pool is grosser than a public bathroom.

Puppies are the worst part of owning a dog.

You can drink juice straight from the carton if you finish the carton.

Twelve cans of the same soup count as one item in the express lane.

Backing into a parking space is showing off. Pull in like everybody else.

Butter belongs on the counter, not in the fridge.

Eating at the bar beats any table in the restaurant.

If you change more than two things on a dish, order something else.

If you said you didn't want dessert, you don't get a bite of mine.

Dinner parties top out at six people. After that it's two dinners at one table.

Leftovers belong to whoever cooked, not whoever finds them first.

Pizza cut in squares beats pizza cut in triangles.

Spaghetti is the worst pasta shape. It's built to end up on your shirt.

Birthday pie beats birthday cake.

Whoever orders for the whole table without asking is doing everyone a favor.

A menu with more than two pages means nothing on it is fresh.

Shared plates are a scam. I came for my own dinner.

A food truck is a restaurant with no chairs and higher prices.

Asking for a box to take home from a nice restaurant is tacky.

At a restaurant, you start eating when your food comes. Nobody wants your fries going cold for them.

Following a recipe exactly is how good cooks cook. Winging it is how bad dinners happen.

A gas grill cooks a burger just as well as charcoal. Charcoal is for people who like waiting.

A potluck is the worst way to feed a group. You end up with six bags of chips and no dinner.

Moving store bought food into your own dish for a potluck is fine. Nobody needs to know.

A host should never let guests help with the dishes.

A picky eater is a harder dinner guest than someone with a real allergy.

Nonstick beats cast iron. Cast iron is a pan you have to babysit.

The everything bagel is the worst bagel. You taste onion until dinner.

Mayo belongs on every sandwich. People who hate it have just had bad mayo.

Plain cheese is the best pizza. Toppings are there to hide bad pizza.

Iceberg is the best lettuce. Crunch beats nutrients.

If you put hot sauce on everything, you don't like food. You like hot sauce.

Beans belong in chili.

Ballpark hot dogs are bad hot dogs. You just like where you're eating them.

American cheese is the best cheese. It melts, and that's the job.

Farmers markets charge double for the same tomato with dirt on it.

Steak is the most boring thing you can order at a nice restaurant.

Unless there's a hair in it, you don't send food back.

If you invite people out to eat, you're paying.

You can take food home from an all you can eat buffet. You paid for all of it.

Running the grill is the easiest job at a cookout. Whoever made the sides did the real work.

A few grapes in the store before you pay isn't stealing.

Spam is good. The people laughing at it have never had it fried.

The date on the milk is a suggestion. Smell it and decide.

Most family recipes came off the back of a box.

Taking the elevator up one floor is fine. Nobody hands out medals for stairs.

"How are you?" doesn't need an answer. It's a hello, not a question.

A book you lend is a gift. Don't expect it back.

Grunt all you want at the gym. It's a gym, not a library.

Living out of the clean laundry basket is a perfectly good system.

A nap on the couch beats a nap in bed. A bed nap wrecks the whole afternoon.

A $15 haircut and a $90 haircut look the same a week later.

Accent walls look like you ran out of paint.

A TV over the fireplace is the worst place to put a TV.

A rainy day off beats a sunny one. Nobody expects you to go outside.

A minivan is the best car ever made.

If you borrow my car, it comes back with more gas than it left with.

Holding the door for someone thirty feet away is rude. Now they have to jog.

If you make guests take their shoes off, you owe them slippers.

A nosy neighbor is the best alarm system on the street.

A guest room is the most expensive closet in the house.

Saving a spot in line for friends who aren't there yet is cutting.

When a new register opens, it's fair game. Fastest cart wins.

Zipper merging at the last second is the right way to merge. Getting over early is the mistake.

Going exactly the speed limit on the highway makes you the hazard.

Small talk with the cashier holds up the whole line.

If you borrow a tool and it breaks, you buy a new one, even if it was ancient.

Eight on a Saturday morning is a fair time to mow the lawn.

Leaving a note for a neighbor is cowardly. Knock on the door.

Cleaning up before the cleaner comes is a waste. That's what you're paying them for.

Sorting laundry is a waste of time. Everything goes in one load on cold.

A white couch is fine. Grown adults can sit without spilling.

Fall is the worst season. Everything is dying and we buy candles about it.

A thank you text the same day beats a handwritten note three weeks later.

Knowing how to fix a running toilet is worth more than speaking a second language.

Buying cut flowers is paying for something to die on your table.

The DMV is fine. Most people just show up without the right papers.

Whoever pulls into the parking spot first gets it, blinker or no blinker.

Kids under five don't belong in a movie theater, even for a cartoon.

If a package lands at your door by mistake and nobody comes for it in a week, it's yours.

You can ignore the check engine light as long as the car still runs.

A remake of a movie you loved as a kid isn't for you. Let the kids have it.

Most movie villains have the better plan. The hero just has better luck.

If you have to ask what just happened, you missed it. We're not rewinding.

On a road trip, nobody gets to skip a song somebody else picked.

Schools should stop teaching the recorder. It has never made one kid love music.

Whoever sings the national anthem at a game should sing it straight. No extra notes.

A heist movie where they get caught is a waste of two hours.

The middle movie of a trilogy is always the best one.

Prequels ruin the villain. Nobody needed to know how he got that way.

An open ending means the writers didn't know how to finish it.

If a movie hides a scene after the credits, it's not part of the movie. Go home.

After a month, a spoiler is your fault, not mine.

Going to the movies alone is the best way to see a movie.

Clapping at the end of a movie is weird. The people who made it can't hear you.

Every sitcom should end after five seasons.

The Price is Right takes more skill than Jeopardy.

Gory horror movies are lazy. The scary ones barely show you anything.

If a show doesn't get good until episode four, it's not a good show.

Leaving before the encore to beat traffic is the smartest move in the building.

If you sit down at a rock concert, give your ticket to someone who'll stand.

Singing along at a concert is rude. You paid to hear the band, not the guy next to you.

The cover is usually better than the original. People just heard the original first.

Kids' songs in the car are the parents' fault. Play your own music. The kids will live.

A DJ beats a live band at a wedding. Every time.

There hasn't been a great new Christmas song in fifty years.

Marching band is harder than playing football.

Parents should never let a kid quit piano. Every adult who quit wishes they hadn't.

No song needs to be longer than four minutes.

Home Alone is a better Christmas movie than It's a Wonderful Life.

Talking during a movie at home is fine. It's your living room.

The Wizard of Oz is a boring movie with great songs.

A greatest hits album beats every real album the band ever made.

If you haven't seen it in ten years, it's not your favorite movie anymore.

If you pick a slow song at karaoke, you're the one who killed the night.

Every kid should see one movie that scares them way too early.

If you pay $300 for a concert ticket, you're the reason tickets cost $300.

Playing music on a speaker at the beach is fine. It's outside.

Dressing up for a first date is a mistake. Wear what you'd wear on the tenth.

The fake reach for your wallet is worse than not reaching at all.

Keeping an ex's hoodie is fine. It's a good hoodie.

In a breakup, the friends go with whoever knew them first.

The best time to meet the parents is Thanksgiving. Everyone's too busy to grill you.

Being single on Valentine's Day beats being two weeks into something new.

Stealing the blanket in your sleep still counts. You're responsible for asleep you.

The closet gets split down the middle, no matter who owns more clothes.

Valentine's dinner should be on the 13th. The 14th is a worse meal at twice the price.

Tell your partner exactly what to buy you. Surprise gifts are a guessing game you both lose.

Saying "I love you" every time you hang up makes it mean nothing.

A first date that lasts five hours is a bad sign. You used up all the good stuff.

Talk about your ex on the first date. It's useful information.

If they only dated a month, your friend's ex is fair game.

If a mess only bothers you, cleaning it is your job.

If you asked for help, you don't get to complain about how it got done.

Couples who finish each other's sentences have stopped listening.

Meeting the friends matters more than meeting the parents. Friends tell you the truth.

A couple that never argues in front of friends is the couple to worry about.

A bad laugh is a fair deal breaker. You'll be hearing it for fifty years.

Whoever got dumped gets the dog.

Breaking up in person only helps the one doing the breaking up. The other person would rather cry at home.

Getting back with an ex is smart. The second time, you know exactly what you're getting.

Dating a coworker is a good idea. You've already seen them on a bad day.

If your parents hate who you're dating, they're probably right.

A long distance relationship in college is a waste of college.

Loading the dishwasher wrong is on purpose. Nobody is that bad at it by accident.

Bringing up something from last year in a fight is fair game.

Watching ahead on a show you watch together is worse than forgetting an anniversary.

Whoever ended it doesn't get to be sad about it in public.

Grandparents don't get to pick their own grandparent name. The first grandkid does.

You can stop buying gifts for nieces and nephews once they turn 18.

The family photo where somebody is crying is the only one worth framing.

A kid's room is their own. If they want it messy, close the door.

Keeping your kid's baby teeth in a box is creepy.

Couples should never be on the same team at family game night.

A kid who begs for a dog gets a fish first. If the fish lives a year, talk about a dog.

The youngest kid gets better parents than the oldest one did.

Siblings split the gift for their parents evenly, no matter who earns more.

Grandparents who watch the kids every week should get paid like any sitter.

Second cousins are strangers. You don't owe them a wedding gift.

Your parents are better grandparents than they ever were parents.

No separate meals for picky kids. They eat what's on the table.

Every kid should have a job by sixteen, even if the family doesn't need the money.

If you tell people the baby name before the birth, you asked for their opinions.

You can steal a friend's baby name. Nobody owns a name.

The tooth fairy pays a dollar. Twenty dollars a tooth ruins it for every other kid.

Calling your mom once a week is the bare minimum. A text doesn't count.

Kids should be walking to school on their own by age ten.

Kids shouldn't get paid for chores. Nobody pays you to live there.

Naming a kid after yourself is pure vanity.

Telling kids the dog went to live on a farm is fine. They can learn about death from the goldfish.

Kids who live at home after 18 pay rent, even if it's twenty bucks a month.

You don't have to keep your kid's drawings. Keep three and recycle the rest.

Newborns aren't cute. Babies get cute at around four months.

Every group trip needs one boss. Voting on every dinner ruins the week.

Driving a friend to the airport is a bigger favor than helping them move.

Nobody wants the tour at a housewarming. Show them the bathroom and the snacks.

Bachelor and bachelorette parties should be one night in town, not a weekend away.

A first dance should last thirty seconds. Then everybody joins in.

Wedding cake is the worst cake you'll eat all year.

A wedding is better with kids running around the dance floor.

The best hour of any party is the last one, after half the people have gone home.

Fifteen minutes late to a friend's house is on time.

Cancelling because you're tired is a fine reason. Nobody needs a fake emergency.

If a friendship takes work, it's over. Real friends pick up right where they left off.

If the invite says costumes and you skip it, you're the worst guest there.

Always tell the guest of honor about the surprise party. Let them act surprised.

If you've been dating less than six months, you don't get a plus one.

Buying something that isn't on the registry is rude. They made a list for a reason.

If you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you pay for the dress.

If you come to dinner empty handed, you're doing the dishes.

Leaving a party without saying goodbye is good manners. Nobody needs a speech at the door.

If you tell me a secret, assume my partner hears it too.

On a group trip, everything gets split evenly, even the dinner you skipped.

If you didn't want it broken, you should have put it away before the party.

If you don't go to the wedding, you don't owe a gift.

If you can only make part of a wedding, skip the ceremony and go to the reception.

Eloping is the nicest thing you can do for your friends.

The boss should leave the office party first, and early.

The office fridge should get emptied every Friday at five, name on it or not.

A uniform is the best perk a job can have. You never have to pick an outfit.

The rectangle school pizza beat any pizza you've had since.

Open book tests are harder than closed book tests.

Summer reading lists ruined more books than they saved.

Snow days were better than summer break.

The twenty year reunion beats the ten. Nobody is showing off anymore.

Eating lunch in your car is the best part of the workday.

Parents shouldn't help with homework. If the kid can't do it, the teacher needs to know.

A boss who wants to be your friend is worse than a boss who's a jerk.

Chipping in for the boss's gift is backwards. Gifts go down, not up.

If a company wants more than three interviews, turn the job down.

Sending a thank you email after an interview does nothing.

A resume should fit on one page, even after thirty years of work.

If your parents got you your first job, it doesn't count as your first job.

If they hired you by text, you can quit by text.

If you check work email on vacation, that's on you, not your boss.

"Per my last email" is perfectly polite. If it stings, read the last email.

Walking into a store five minutes before closing is fine. The sign says they're open.

A B student has an easier life than a straight A student.

The valedictorian should be voted on by the class, not picked by grades.

The college you went to stops mattering about two years after you graduate.

Parents shouldn't be able to check their kid's grades online every day.

Turning down a promotion to keep an easy job is a win, not a failure.

People who complain about fish in the office microwave need to get over it.

The best teacher you ever had was the strict one, not the fun one.

Calling in sick when you aren't sick is fine twice a year.

Making real friends at work is a mistake. Keep work friends at work.

Taking two weeks off in a row isn't fair to the people covering for you.

Paying kids for good grades works. Adults get paid for good work too.

A perfect attendance award is a prize for coming in sick.

A gap year is a year off with a nicer name.

If a parent clearly built the science fair project, the kid gets a zero.

Retiring early is a great way to get bored and die sooner.

If someone offers to pay, let them. Fighting over the check is just a show.

A wedding dress should be rented. You wear it for nine hours.

Gifts between grown siblings should stop the year somebody has a kid.

The gift receipt is the most thoughtful part of any present.

A backyard pool is the worst thing you can buy with a house.

Store brand is the same stuff in a cheaper box. Except ketchup.

A dishwasher is the best thing you'll ever buy. Not a car, not a trip. A dishwasher.

If you owe a friend less than ten bucks, you never have to pay it back.

The driver on a road trip doesn't chip in for gas.

A wedding should never cost more than the car you drive.

Going over the limit in a gift exchange is rude, not generous.

If you can't pay cash for the car, you can't afford the car.

Buying a house down the street from your parents is the smartest money move there is.

Paying extra to skip the line at a theme park is worth every dollar.

The extended warranty is worth it. People who skip it have just been lucky.

Cash is the best gift. A gift card is cash with a chore attached.

The thermostat belongs to whoever pays the electric bill.

Wearing something once with the tags on and returning it is fine.

Kids should know exactly how much their parents make.

Spend it all before you die. Your kids will be fine.

Every roadside attraction is worth the stop. The bad ones most of all.

A cheap flight that leaves before six in the morning isn't cheap.

Making the bed before checking out of a hotel is rude. It takes more effort to strip the sheets.

The suitcase gets unpacked the night you get home, no matter how late it is.

Gas station food beats any sit down restaurant on a road trip.

A hotel with a good pool beats a hotel near everything.

If you fall asleep in the passenger seat, you lose your vote on where we eat.

A long flight is relaxing. For ten hours nobody can ask you for anything.

Chatting with your seatmate is half the fun of flying.

Getting a hotel when you visit your parents isn't rude. It's how everyone stays friends.

Motels beat hotels. You park at your door and nobody asks you anything.

Vacation photos with nobody in them are pointless. The internet has better ones.

A lake beats the ocean. No salt, no sharks, no waves knocking your kids over.

Don't take kids to Disney until they're tall enough for every ride.

Sleeping in on vacation is throwing away what you paid for.

On a road trip you stop for the bathroom when the car needs gas, not before.

Whoever books the vacation house gets the best bedroom.

Hotel shampoo and slippers are fair game. Taking the towels is stealing.

If you've never missed a flight, you're getting to the airport too early.

Babies crying on a plane are fine. The adults sighing about it are the problem.

The Grand Canyon takes about twenty minutes. After that you've seen it.

Pull the kids out of school for the family trip. A week of school is easy to make up.

The big game is more fun with people who don't care who wins.

Never read the rules out loud to new players. Start playing and explain as you go.

A finished puzzle gets broken up. Gluing it and hanging it on the wall is weird.

Beating a game on easy still counts as beating it.

Monopoly ends when the first person goes bankrupt. Nobody needs the last two hours.

Tailgating is better than the game it's for.

Instant replay made sports worse. A blown call is part of the game.

If you've never refereed a game, you don't get to yell at the ref.

Mini golf is a better game than real golf.

Hating your rival is more fun than rooting for your own team.

Looking at the picture on the box while you do a puzzle is cheating.

At trivia night, the person who's most sure gets the final say, not the majority.

Cheating at mini golf is part of mini golf.

The rules in the box are the rules. House rules only count if you said them before the game started.

If you walked any of it, you didn't run a marathon.

Fair weather fans have it figured out. There's no prize for suffering through the bad years.

Grown adults shouldn't wear a jersey with another person's name on it.

If you hold your cards so I can see them, looking isn't cheating.

Letting kids win at board games does them no favors. They lose until they don't.

Stuffing cooked inside the bird is the only stuffing that counts.

The TV stays on during Thanksgiving dinner. Football keeps the peace.

Colored lights beat white lights. White lights look like a dentist's office.

Sugar cookies are the worst Christmas cookie. They look great and taste like nothing.

December 26th is the best day of the year. No plans, all leftovers.

Giant inflatable yard decorations make a street better, not worse.

Peeps are better stale.

Christmas lights can stay up until Valentine's Day.

Turkey is the fourth best thing on the Thanksgiving table.

A fireworks show stops being impressive after about four minutes.

Cranberry sauce from the can, ridges and all, beats homemade.

The Fourth of July is the best holiday. No gifts, no travel, just food and fire.

Thanksgiving dinner at two in the afternoon is wrong. Dinner is at dinnertime.

The tree can go up the first of November. You paid for it, so use it.

The family Christmas letter is the best mail of the year, especially when they brag.

Trick or treating ends at twelve. After that you're a tall kid asking strangers for candy.

Egg hunts shouldn't go easy on the little kids. Everybody runs.

The best Mother's Day gift is an empty house for the afternoon.

A birthday is one day. Anyone celebrating a birthday month is asking too much.

Santa should never bring the biggest present. The parents should get the credit.

Whoever hosts Christmas is off the hook for gifts.

A homemade gift is clutter the other person isn't allowed to throw away.

If you host Thanksgiving, you don't get to complain about hosting Thanksgiving.

Opening presents one at a time while everyone watches is torture.

You should leave the kids' table at eighteen, not when somebody dies.

Kids shouldn't have to bring a valentine for every kid in the class.

Proposing at Christmas dinner steals the holiday from everyone else at the table.

If it's your family's holiday, you do all the cooking and cleanup. Your partner is a guest.

Handing out full size candy bars on Halloween is showing off.

Selling Grandma's house to a stranger at full price beats selling it to a cousin cheap.

Charging family interest on a loan is fair. A loan with no interest is a gift with a grudge.

Parents who pay for one kid's wedding owe the other kid the same amount in cash.

Kids should go to funerals, even the little ones.

A new dog a month after the old one died isn't too soon.

Calling your in-laws Mom and Dad is weird. Use their first names.

Putting a toddler on a leash at the airport is good parenting.

Telling a kid the shot won't hurt is a perfectly good lie.

Holding a grudge is underrated. Some people earned it.

If you can't name every guest at your wedding, it's too big.

Move into the retirement home early. Hot meals, bingo, and someone checks you're still alive.

Tell your kids what's in your will now. It saves a fight at the funeral.

The family pet is not a family member. It's a pet.

Going through your teenager's room is fair. It's your house.

Family secrets should come out once everyone involved is dead.

Splitting an inheritance evenly is lazy. The kid who needs it more should get more.

If your parents paid for college, they get a say in your major.

A good eulogy includes at least one thing the person did wrong.

Christmas goes to whichever family does it better. Taking turns is for kids.

The sibling with the biggest house hosts every holiday. That's the price of the big house.

A hyphenated last name just hands the problem to the kids.

If you move back home at 25, you follow the house rules like you're 15.

If a kid kicks your seat, you can tell the kid. You don't have to go through the parent.

If you think your friend is marrying the wrong person, you say so once, before the wedding.

When friends divorce, you have to pick a side. Staying neutral is picking a side.

You can cut someone off without telling them why. You don't owe them an exit interview.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a real apology. It's just not the one you wanted.

If the cashier undercharges you, it's not your job to fix it.

If you return a lost wallet, taking a twenty for your trouble is fair.

Getting married at 22 beats waiting until 32. You get to grow up together.

A facelift at 60 is no different from braces at 13.

You can skip the funeral if you showed up while they were alive.

Every parent has a favorite kid.

Buy the cheapest casket and spend the difference on the food after.